The title of this blog describes one of my great attributes, this is a blessing and a curse. I have always been a dependable listener to others and never really cared to share my inner most self. I felt that these people who would open up to me and give me pieces of them made me think they were vulnerable and trusted too easily. Unbeknownst to me I was the vulnerable one and the other person was sharing pieces with me to get closer and I would just push them away.
This has led me down a lonely path of unhealthy relationships and a lot of headaches. I have now gotten to the point where I’ am self-destructing and hurting relationships that I hold dear to my heart. I resent the ones around me for never listening to me and I feel unheard and then I start feeling that I am not important or special enough for me to be heard. Then when I get a chance to express myself I either blow up because I’ am so mad that it took this person so long to see it through my eyes or feeling guilty about talking about myself and taking the focus off me entirely.
When I’ am extremely emotional and just want to vent, I can’t because I either get taken the wrong way or I have allowed people to make assumptions about me that are not even true. This frustrates me to no end and this is how I know I’ am making different changes in my life. I need to learn a better way of communicating with others in a more productive way. I can not allow the situation to throw me off of the purpose of the conversation and bring up things that have made me mad from the past.
Confrontation is not my strong point, but I also hate not being heard it’s a pretty conflicting circumstance I’ am in. This is where I need to learn more about myself and let go of things from my past that not only made me feel weak and not important but also to understand why I’ am being misunderstood and why I get so mad. This is where my self-help books and self-motivating books come into play they can help me find a better direction to lead me into. I know this is a work in progress but other than the books I will need to rely on my friends and family to call me out but in a way that does not place blame so I don’t go into defensive mode. As I’ am writing this I feel like that is too much to ask of them but it is my last ditch effort to make the positive changes in my life.
I am currently doubting myself and feeling hopeless that this blog will not even make sense and has no real direction. I guess this is a way to show you how many directions our brains can be in when faced with a perplexing situation. Feeling respect in a conversation will allow you to feel more open and willing to express your feelings.
UNTIL NEXT TIME Love you all and will be writing again very soon!