This is a very touchy subject for me but I feel the need to talk about this because it is part of the reason I got into the mess I call my brain. When you look up the definition of self-sabotage this is what it says: Creating problems that interfere with the long-standing goals in your life. This could include procrastinating, self-medicating, comfort eating, and forms of self-injury. Growing up I did a lot of these things, well most of them actually I started smoking weed at a very young age for most children and I ate my heart out (mostly because I was afraid the food wouldn’t be there anymore). I have grown out of most of these problems thankfully but there is one that just loves to hang on for dear life. That is the apathetic person inside that brings me down every single day.
For those who do not know what apathetic people are they are basically people who feel they are not worthy of love and may have a sense of worthlessness or no real purpose in life. From all the things I have gone thru in my life I have always felt I was unloveable, my own parents didn’t want me why would anyone want to be apart of my life. In my teenage years, I had a lot of terrible relationships with people who took advantage of me or only hung out with me out of pity. Every single boyfriend I had cheated on me and my friends came and went so quickly that I never knew who my friends were and who wasn’t. This led me to believe that this has to be true, no one really gives two shits about me.
That was before I met my best friend, I would like to make this disclaimer that he asked me not to make my blogs about him but this one is a must. I knew from the moment I saw this man that he was meant to be in my life, the term soulmate is a real thing and I am a firm believer. Now we both came from the same story and had the same feelings about ourselves at one time or another his earlier and mine later. I heard a lot of things about him before we even met about how he used people to get what he wanted and how he wasn’t the type to be in a monogamous relationship ever. All of that scared me at first but I put all my chips in on him, I mean honestly what do I have to lose? Another heartache been there and done that! We changed each other’s lives, we have both become better people and we love each other more and more every single day. I can say that I finally have a person in my life that truly loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and only me (sometimes I find it really hard to believe which I will talk about soon). I do not want to tell you that our relationship is full of sunshine and rainbows because I would be lying to you, sometimes we fight dirty. The only difference is we always make up and realize what we did wrong and apologize for our terrible behavior.
Very recently as you all know I have been trying to find myself, but I have literally been sucked into a hole of anxiety and stress about things I can not control. There are a lot of things that are changing a lot, relationships are ending and things are not feeling like they are going right. So in fear of losing the only true real person that loves me I unintentionally pushed my husband away instead of bringing him closer. You can not believe how ashamed of myself I am, why in the world would you do that to the man that loves you so much that he would take his life in a second for you. I do not get why I react that way and I truly need to fix it immediately because that would be the end of my life with the man I love more than life itself.
My first step was understanding why I do that to begin with, finding out the source to the reaction. I do not compare my husband to any person in my past but I do sometimes get caught up in the past that I lose sight of what is real and what is in front of me. I have to deal with those emotions for myself, most of the people who hurt me will never admit their guilt so instead of sabotaging every single real relationship I have I need to set the pain of my past free and move on with my beautiful life with the man I love and the others in my life that have shown me what true friendship is. Letting go of the past will set you free and will allow more room for the things that matter and mean the most to you.
(Anthony I want to tell you that I am sorry from the bottom of my heart and I never meant to lose focus and push you away. I love you so much and like the day I told you I would forever be there for you and also the day I gave you my life. I will never let go or lose sight of what is the most important thing in my life, which is you. I just want you to know that I love you more and more each day I know we can get thru anything as long as we have each other. I love you honey bear!)