Self-sabotage

This is a very touchy subject for me but I feel the need to talk about this because it is part of the reason I got into the mess I call my brain.  When you look up the definition of self-sabotage this is what it says: Creating problems that interfere with the long-standing goals in your life. This could include procrastinating, self-medicating, comfort eating, and forms of self-injury.  Growing up I did a lot of these things, well most of them actually I started smoking weed at a very young age for most children and I ate my heart out (mostly because I was afraid the food wouldn’t be there anymore).  I have grown out of most of these problems thankfully but there is one that just loves to hang on for dear life. That is the apathetic person inside that brings me down every single day.

For those who do not know what apathetic people are they are basically people who feel they are not worthy of love and may have a sense of worthlessness or no real purpose in life. From all the things I have gone thru in my life I have always felt I was unloveable, my own parents didn’t want me why would anyone want to be apart of my life. In my teenage years, I had a lot of terrible relationships with people who took advantage of me or only hung out with me out of pity. Every single boyfriend I had cheated on me and my friends came and went so quickly that I never knew who my friends were and who wasn’t.  This led me to believe that this has to be true, no one really gives two shits about me.

That was before I met my best friend, I would like to make this disclaimer that he asked me not to make my blogs about him but this one is a must.  I knew from the moment I saw this man that he was meant to be in my life, the term soulmate is a real thing and I am a firm believer. Now we both came from the same story and had the same feelings about ourselves at one time or another his earlier and mine later. I heard a lot of things about him before we even met about how he used people to get what he wanted and how he wasn’t the type to be in a monogamous relationship ever. All of that scared me at first but I put all my chips in on him, I mean honestly what do I have to lose? Another heartache been there and done that! We changed each other’s lives, we have both become better people and we love each other more and more every single day. I can say that I finally have a person in my life that truly loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and only me (sometimes I find it really hard to believe which I will talk about soon). I do not want to tell you that our relationship is full of sunshine and rainbows because I would be lying to you, sometimes we fight dirty. The only difference is we always make up and realize what we did wrong and apologize for our terrible behavior.

Very recently as you all know I have been trying to find myself, but I have literally been sucked into a hole of anxiety and stress about things I can not control. There are a lot of things that are changing a lot, relationships are ending and things are not feeling like they are going right. So in fear of losing the only true real person that loves me I unintentionally pushed my husband away instead of bringing him closer. You can not believe how ashamed of myself I am, why in the world would you do that to the man that loves you so much that he would take his life in a second for you. I do not get why I react that way and I truly need to fix it immediately because that would be the end of my life with the man I love more than life itself.

My first step was understanding why I do that to begin with, finding out the source to the reaction. I do not compare my husband to any person in my past but I do sometimes get caught up in the past that I lose sight of what is real and what is in front of me. I have to deal with those emotions for myself, most of the people who hurt me will never admit their guilt so instead of sabotaging every single real relationship I have I need to set the pain of my past free and move on with my beautiful life with the man I love and the others in my life that have shown me what true friendship is. Letting go of the past will set you free and will allow more room for the things that matter and mean the most to you.

(Anthony I want to tell you that I am sorry from the bottom of my heart and I never meant to lose focus and push you away. I love you so much and like the day I told you I would forever be there for you and also the day I gave you my life. I will never let go or lose sight of what is the most important thing in my life, which is you. I just want you to know that I love you more and more each day I know we can get thru anything as long as we have each other. I love you honey bear!)

Love you….

 

Lifelong Writers Block

Ever since I can remember from my earliest memories I have always loved writing stories and reading. They were ways to escape my reality. Like I stated briefly in my intro blog I grew up in a not so amazing environment. Starting school was very easy for me I was a fast learner and was advancing quickly. Before I finished kindergarten the school offered me to skip first grade and advance to second grade. My mother chose to let me go into the first grade because she would of rather me be the smartest child in first grade instead of the dumbest child in second grade. I was so upset that day because I felt like achieved something and I was special and I felt like she took that from me. My brother was born that year and I loved him so much but my mom totally neglected me because she had resentment against me, this is when things started to go downhill quickly.

My education started to take a nosedive because my home life was very stressful and I would come to school so exhausted because I would stay up half the night. Either worrying about my parents and home life or my night terrors that would make me never want to go back to sleep. The school started to say that I could not read and that I was no longer comprehending the content that they were teaching. At one point I tried to brag to my dad about my good grades that quarter and he told me I was not smart and the only reason I passed is because I had a pretty smile. All of the verbal and physical abuse that was directed my way is still being completely denied from both my mother and father alike.

My home life was quickly falling apart my parents were fighting every day. We never had food in the house, I was never given baths I had to do it myself and my clothes were always filthy and usually wreaked of cat urine. My saving grace was that the kids at the elementary school I spent the most time at the kids never judged me and played with me regardless. That never lasted long since I was moved around so much that I never stayed in once place for too long.  Once I was shot down and my self-esteem was in the bucket I stopped doing things I loved to do and was clinically diagnosed with major depression at the age of 8 (according to my medical records). I could not longer be a kid my parents relied on me to be their emotional support and I could no longer be a normal child.

Once I was taken away from my parents for good I would randomly get these poems or writings of feelings I would feel and need to immediately write it down so it was never forgotten. To this day I still have all of them but they are extremely amateur work and you can very much tell I was full of hormones and just wanted to be loved.  Like I mentioned before my nana tried her best but I literally felt like I will never amount to anything so why even try. I started smoking cigarettes and smoking marijuana at an extremely young age, and also put myself into some scary situations. Needless to say, my talent and passion for writing went by the wayside for a very long time. I never thought I was that great but I love writing and expressing my feelings to get the release of emotions that have been pent up for far too long.

It wasn’t until recent when I found myself more lost than I have in a very long time and needed to focus on me and what are my passions in life. I needed some encouragement from my better half to go for it, and here I am doing the one thing I love to do while expressing my past pains and enjoying it very much. I have thought for most of my life that no one would be interested in what I have to bring to the table but honestly, this is doing wonders for my heart and is a way to let go of the things that have hurt me and my self-esteem. Expressing myself and making myself vulnerable and sharing my story with complete strangers is allowing myself to heal. Finding your passion will be a vital key to your happiness.

Write again soon!

Listening skills

The title of this blog describes one of my great attributes, this is a blessing and a curse.  I have always been a dependable listener to others and never really cared to share my inner most self. I felt that these people who would open up to me and give me pieces of them made me think they were vulnerable and trusted too easily. Unbeknownst to me I was the vulnerable one and the other person was sharing pieces with me to get closer and I would just push them away.

This has led me down a lonely path of unhealthy relationships and a lot of headaches. I have now gotten to the point where I’ am self-destructing and hurting relationships that I hold dear to my heart. I resent the ones around me for never listening to me and I feel unheard and then I start feeling that I am not important or special enough for me to be heard. Then when I get a chance to express myself I either blow up because I’ am so mad that it took this person so long to see it through my eyes or feeling guilty about talking about myself and taking the focus off me entirely.

When I’ am extremely emotional and just want to vent, I can’t because I either get taken the wrong way or I have allowed people to make assumptions about me that are not even true. This frustrates me to no end and this is how I know I’ am making different changes in my life. I need to learn a better way of communicating with others in a more productive way. I can not allow the situation to throw me off of the purpose of the conversation and bring up things that have made me mad from the past.

Confrontation is not my strong point, but I also hate not being heard it’s a pretty conflicting circumstance I’ am in. This is where I need to learn more about myself and let go of things from my past that not only made me feel weak and not important but also to understand why I’ am being misunderstood and why I get so mad. This is where my self-help books and self-motivating books come into play they can help me find a better direction to lead me into. I know this is a work in progress but other than the books I will need to rely on my friends and family to call me out but in a way that does not place blame so I don’t go into defensive mode. As I’ am writing this I feel like that is too much to ask of them but it is my last ditch effort to make the positive changes in my life.

I am currently doubting myself and feeling hopeless that this blog will not even make sense and has no real direction.  I guess this is a way to show you how many directions our brains can be in when faced with a perplexing situation. Feeling respect in a conversation will allow you to feel more open and willing to express your feelings.

UNTIL NEXT TIME Love you all and will be writing again very soon!

Why am’ I writing this?

All my life I have always had a passion for writing. There was always something that held me back from sharing my passion lack of confidence, lack of schooling, and disbelief that I truly had real talent. I’ am at the point in my life that I need to focus and use the tools and passions I have to feel more confident in myself. I do not by any means feel like this could make me a famous author, that is not my goal in doing this. I’ am doing this for myself and to help others like me who find themselves in the same situations and life challenges. 

This will be my introduction to myself and this will allow whoever would like to read my blogs better know who I’ am and what brought me to where I’ am now. My name is Alexandra Jones, I currently reside in Minnesota. I’ am happily married to my soulmate and we have two fur babies.

 As a child I was forced to grow up very quickly because I had two negligent parents whose only concern was themselves. From the age of 9 years old I was shipped around from place to place because my father left us and my mother turned to drugs and men. Fortunatly for me, my grandmother who I properly named nana and my papa took me in and raised me. Up until that point I went through a lot of psychological episodes where I became the parent and my parents were the children. I had to make sure my little brother had food in his tummy and he was clean. I tried my hardest to protect him from the evil within our home. Once our parents left us my brother and I had to be sperated, my grandmother could only afford to raise one of us so my biological grandfather took my brother. My grandmother worked herself to death to make sure she could provide for me and because of her I’ am the woman I’ am today. 

Unfortunately my grandmother could not protect me or undo the psychological damage that was done to me. This is the reason I ‘ am writing, I ‘am doing something I love to help undo past pain and slowly learn to love myself. People tell me I’ am an awesome person, I think it is about time to start believing it myself. The feelings of not feeling worthy of love or worthy of happiness needs to be a thing of the past and I’ am using this as my oulet on this journey to self-love and believing in myself to conquer and challenges that may come my way. I also want to allow this to become something where I can help to motivate others just like me to love themselves because we all have a purpose on this earth and it’s our time to shine. If I can help just one person from this that will make me extremely happy and make this journey that much more rewarding. I will be posting things like road blocks, life challenges, advice and guidance, but most of all a place where I can write everything that comes to mind and share my pain and happiness with others. 

I’ am looking forward to writing and learning more about myself in the process. Thank you to whoever reads this, remember the support from others will give you the strength you do not currently posses. 💜